[This article was first published in The Vernal Express in 2009.]
By Gary Parker
Express Journalist
Duck, duck, goose? When it comes to expressing our gratitude, Americans seem to be in a fowl mood constantly. I’m not saying we’re brooding or anything, but it does seem to me that most citizens just think Thanksgiving is for the birds.
Of course one breed is hit hardest. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, a group whom I’d believed previously was charged only with counting the conspicuously featherless human species, an estimated 49 million turkeys will be gobbled up this year alone. Which I think is sweet irony, considering all the gobbling the turkeys do themselves. Live by the sword, die by the hatchet, I guess.
But some families are choosing a bird of a different feather altogether. Visit any of several local grocers, and you are likely to find goose, duck, chicken and hen as well. Traditionally, the goose is reserved for Christmas, as an annual prank, I suspect. But some idiosyncratic people give tradition the bird, and serve honkers one holiday early. Perhaps they’re just readying themselves for the fight with Christmas traffic.
Based on my highly scientific perusal of the frozen-meat section at our local Walmart store, duck seems to be only slightly less popular than goose. I base my conclusion on the fact that duck is slightly smaller than the goose, yet turkey is generally much larger. What is it with American portions anyway? The phrase is “eat like a bird,” if I remember correctly, not “eat the whole bird!”
In any case, most Americans consider the annual swallowing of a feathered friend to be in the realm of normal behavior. But a few brave souls have taken bird consumption to an extreme in recent years. Consider the case of the Turducken.
What, you may ask, is a Turducken? Are you sure you want to know? Alright then, but don’t say I didn’t warn you. It seems that somewhere along the line, an exhausted chef, after an undoubtedly long and arduous day of serving an insatiable public complex creations that all failed to please, stood over his stove shedding desperate tears. Then lightning struck. He thought to himself, “Self, people love turkey; people love duck; and people love chicken. What if you gave them all three at once?”
So, he took a chicken and squeezed it into the bowels of a duck. He then took the duck and force-fed the turkey. Afterward he basted and cooked the monstrosity, and late that night his oven birthed the first Turducken. Three birds in one. An American’s dream.
I have seen his creation. I call it Frankenfowl. All it lacks are miniature bolts jutting out of what’s left of the neck. Or necks, as it were.
And the beauty is that you too can buy a Turducken of your very own. They’re not cheep though. A mail-order frozen Turducken can cost upward of $130 Ouch!
For me, I think I’ll stick with tradition. I’ve always said, “a bird in the hand is better than three in the freezer aisle... inside each other...right?”